Dr. Rachel: On Giving & Receiving Feedback

By Dr. Rachel Boehm,

We need to talk about feedback. By we, I mean all of us humans, because most of us are doing it wrong. You may be the rare bird who hears feedback, even clunky, unclear feedback, and think, “Cool, thanks!” But if you’re like me, you're left befuddled at best. 

This matters because: First, there are different types of feedback that require different techniques; Second, feedback that fails to use these techniques can damage relationships, cripple motivation, and even lead to traumatic experiences for the receiver; And, third, feedback that fails to leverage these techniques usually does not create the change you're looking for, thus costing you time and energy, and you still haven’t achieved your objectives. 

These effects show up in our personal and professional lives. Feedback is more than our end-of-year evaluations or the redirects a boss barks at us at the end of a busy week. It can also include someone honking their horn because we failed to anticipate the exact millisecond the light would change. Or the side-eye fast walkers give to slow walkers in the corridors of Tysons Corner. Or the exasperated sigh we give our kids or partners for how they loaded the dishwasher. 

Feedback is also the tough conversations we have between friends. The boundaries we try to set between “work and life.” The coaching we get through our hobbies. And what the doctor says to us about our lifestyle choices.

Feedback is everywhere. And so, it matters whether we can both give it and receive it effectively because feedback touches on the three psychological needs we have as humans: competence, belonging, and agency.

The types of feedback

There are a few ways to slice this. I break it into two main categories: Evaluation and Ongoing. 

• Evaluation is your grade. It’s a score or a ranking compared to others or to a set benchmark, to your potential, or to your own standards. In the workplace, this is your annual performance review. In school, it’s the grades you receive on assignments, projects, and tests.  
• Ongoing is everything that happens in between your evaluations. And, it can be divided into Reinforcing or Redirecting. Reinforcing recognizes jobs well done. Redirecting attempts to correct jobs not well done, so to speak.

In short, ongoing feedback is the day-to-day guidance that should be given to the person being evaluated to help their performance improve.

Some feedback-giving problems

The problem, however, is that while we may recognize there are different intentions behind the feedback we give, we tend to lump it all simply under “feedback.” And if it’s all just “feedback,” then how you give it doesn’t depend on the type, right? It’s all feedback.

Another problem is that we're far too vague with our feedback. Even when we think we're clear, we might not be. We're often in such a rush or focused so much on our own discomfort giving the feedback that we forget to pause and check for understanding. “Clear is kind,” but only if it’s clear to the receiver. 

A third and related problem is that we think our effectiveness as givers lies in simply giving feedback. It doesn’t. The feedback is only effective, if the habits and behaviors of the receiver improve. So, if there’s no change, the feedback was ineffective. And it can get worse. The feedback could even be – to use my mentor’s word for it – “destructive.” That destructive feedback is how you end up traumatizing people in small or even big ways, and stirring resentments. 

How to give better feedback

First, know which type of feedback you're giving. Evaluative should be kind, clear, specific, and honest. And it should tell the person what to do differently. You have to give them a “now what,” or they'll not know what to do with the feedback you've provided.

Second, with ongoing feedback, your redirecting feedback is best delivered in private at a time that's best for the receiver, not you. They need to be mentally, physically, and emotionally able to truly hear you. The privacy is necessary to preserve their dignity and avoid shame, which demotivates, reduces trust, and triggers a threat response. 

Remember the psychological need for competence all humans have? When we give feedback that basically says, "You missed the mark on competency here,” we're triggering a biological threat-response, according to Harvard Business School researcher Leslie John. That's how it can feel when we receive misguided feedback. So be kind. Ensure they're in a place where they're best prepared to hear it with an open mind, and then inform them kindly about what they should do differently.

Do not expect an immediate reply, however. Ask them for their perspective of the situation or event — because you only know your side of the story and might be missing key information. And allow them time to process what you've said and be open to revisiting the discussion after they've done so.

Reinforcing behavior, on the other hand, is best done publicly. Not only does this give people a competence boost, it also suggests to others how they might improve their performance. People will naturally do more of what's earning kudos and is working effectively.

Two more pieces. First, make sure your own emotions are under control. Don’t give feedback coming in hot. You need to be calm and measured. Emotions are contagious and lead us to misread situations and other people, as well as lead others to misread us. 

Last — for now — the way you really make all this work is to ensure you're hitting the Magic Ratio of positive to negative interactions. This ratio (of 5-1) is seen across literature from The Gottmans (marriage counseling) to the workplace (leadership development). The Magic Ratio says that for a relationship to be successful and conflict to be productive rather than destructive, you need at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. That means you need five reinforcements for every one redirection.  

Reinforcement doesn’t have to take long. It can be 10 seconds and still be clear and specific. “I appreciated how you loaded the mugs on the top shelf of the dishwasher.” Or, “You handled that irate customer with a lot of patience and grace, well done.” As opposed to simply, “thanks for loading the dishwasher,” or “good job on the call.”

How to better receive feedback

This is shorter. In my opinion, the onus is on the giver. But sadly, most people won’t take a course in feedback or even have a chance to read this article (though you could share it around…) So, we do have to get better at handling clunky feedback. 

First, if you're asking for feedback, get clear on what you want. Are you looking for an evaluation? Are you needing some kudos and reinforcement? Do you want coaching and redirection? Be specific in your ask to avoid miscommunication.

Second, whether you have asked for the feedback or not, regulate your own emotions. You will have to do this in real time, especially if the feedback is coming out of nowhere. Deep breathing helps. It also helps to think about your emotional landmines right now. What type of feedback tends to trigger strong, uncomfortable feelings? Why do you think that is? It can help to work this through with a coach or therapist.

Third, you can always say, “Thank you for the feedback. I will reflect on it.” It does not mean you agree with it. You can further add, “And we can set a time to discuss it further after I've done so.”   

Fourth, if you're comfortable being proactive, you can tell your boss, friend, partner, etc., how you best receive feedback. Maybe you actually don’t like public recognition. Maybe you need to know when feedback is coming, and it's better for you to schedule a time to discuss it. 

Last — for now — look for that portion of the feedback that's true, helpful, or otherwise informative, even if it's only one percent. Ask yourself if there's something you contributed to the situation and what you could do differently next time to improve outcomes.

Even on the receiving end, you have control. It’s just that sometimes all you have control over is the mindset through which you hear and act on feedback. Here again, coaching and therapy can help. But you likely have much more agency over the process than you might think.

Dr. Rachel Boehm is a resident of West Falls Church. She’s lived in the area for over 15 years and runs a modern change management firm helping leaders and employers navigate business transitions and constant busyness with less tension for more successful outcomes. Dr. Rachel holds a PhD in psychology focused on individual and organizational behavior.