Dr. Rachel: True Gratitude Can Help Stimulate Thanksgiving Joy
By Dr. Rachel Boehm,
Every year growing up, my parents would pile us all into the family car of the time – a 1984 grey Buick, or a light blue Dodge Caravan, or a somewhat teal Suburban – and drive the four or so hours from Austin to Houston, Texas to spend Thanksgiving with my mom’s side of the family so large it always felt it would burst through the windows, walls, and doors of my aunt’s home. The Thanksgivings of my youth bleed into each other, memories swirl as if there were but one never-ending Thanksgiving to represent them all. And today, Thanksgiving brings her living room to mind, filled with the scents and sights and sounds of those days.
As grateful as I am for those memories, it would be a lie to say I always loved them in the moment. There was a time, in my more insecure stages of evolution from tween to teen, when I compared ours to the “Traditional Thanksgiving” you read about in books or see in advertisements. Or the ones my peers had, which always sounded more extravagant or somehow “right” or “traditional.” I would compare ours to these others and think we had come up short, somehow. I didn’t enjoy those Thanksgivings as much, which reinforced my thinking; if we had a more traditional Thanksgiving, I would enjoy them more.
Knowing what I now know about the relationship between comparison and gratitude this all makes perfect sense.
Gratitude Dulls the Sting of Comparison
In a nutshell, it’s human nature to compare ourselves to others, and even to ourselves. To a standard we may believe exists or have set for ourselves, to who we have been, to who we aspire to be, and again to those around us whom we perceive are already there. Not all comparisons makes us feel badly. Sometimes it can be motivating. Other times, though, it can have a detrimental impact.
One differentiator is gratitude. When you approach life with gratitude – i.e., you're a grateful person – you're more likely to feel inspired when comparing yourself to someone who seemingly has more than you, rather than resentful or sad or angry or frustrated. The comparison stings less; fewer negative emotions come from it.
Gratitude does not stop you from noticing that others have more, it changes how you feel about their circumstances and yours. Grateful people also tend to have more social support from friends and family, which further reduces the stings of comparison.
Similarly, when grateful people compare themselves to those who are seemingly worse off, they experience a further boost in gratitude. To be clear, this only occurs when it comes from empathy and genuine appreciation for what you have.
Gratitude shifts your focus from what you lack to what you already have. It helps reframe situations in a more optimistic light, recognizing what is available to you as opposed to what is not. It helps you better cope with stress, feel more socially supported, and it boosts your self-esteem. All of this lays a foundation, helping you feel less shaken by seeing others succeed or having more than you feel you do. Essentially, when you're grateful, your brain is literally better at finding the good in your situation rather than fixating on gaps.
Gratitude doesn't make you blind to differences between yourself and others, it helps you respond to those differences in healthier ways, with inspiration instead of resentment, and with appreciation for what you have instead of focusing on what you do not.
Upping Your Gratitude
I am lucky – and of course grateful – that I realized how fortunate I was to have this bursting house of loved ones to go to each Thanksgiving, in time to still see them each year. New generations are added, older ones have begun to slip away, but the tradition, our tradition, lives on and is sweeter year after year because of it.
We can prepare ourselves for the formal day of giving Thanks in a number of ways. And those same tools can be used throughout the year to help us strengthen our gratitude skill, turning it into the lens through which we view our life. The website PositivePsychology.Com has a long list of gratitude exercises that are kid and adult friendly, including a Gratitude Tree which can be a fun Thanksgiving exercise.
As author Vironika Tugaleva said,
“There is really no use in comparing yourself to others. There will always be someone ahead and someone behind, and there will be dozens (if not hundreds) of different scales and gradients to be behind and ahead on.
To be number one is never final. It is and always will be a momentary, fleeting instant. But to be a growing version of yourself? That, you can be. You can be that every single day.”
Dr. Rachel Boehm is a resident of West Falls Church. She’s lived in the area for over 15 years and runs a modern change management firm helping leaders and employers navigate business transitions and constant busyness with less tension for more successful outcomes. Dr. Rachel holds a PhD in psychology focused on individual and organizational behavior.
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