What's a Key to Self-Compassion? Empathy.

By Dr. Rachel Boehm,

I was raised to leave trails “better than you found [them].” My dad was an Eagle Scout and both my parents have a love for the outdoors, which they passed on to me. We grew up learning how to share the trails and bike paths with others. To leave no trace, unless, again, that trace was to leave an improvement. Pick up litter, for example. 

I believe this principle can, and would argue should, apply to people: leave others better than you found them. The Golden and Platinum Rules reflect this concept of compassion toward others. As does point 12 of Timothy Snyder’s On Tyranny, “make eye contact and small talk.” Snyder argues that doing so goes beyond politeness and reflects a responsible member of society, a citizen.

This person-to-person engagement has been dwindling in frequency over the years. I am sure you, like me, have heard it discussed and have discussed it yourself. Setting aside the pundits who discuss the rising rates of isolation and decrease in civil discord, when I listen to employers and employees, colleagues, friends, and acquaintances, the overwhelming majority say that this neighborliness, this kindness has in many ways been lost.  

The question then is, “how do we get it back?,” assuming we want to. I know I do. Perhaps a way to start is for each of us to leave each other after every encounter a little better than we found one another. A smile, a thank you, a nod even. An acknowledgement that we have seen them, perhaps even heard them. We are not too busy to smile. 

Fun Fact, according to American Dental, we use approximately 17 muscles to smile and 43 muscles to frown. So choose kindness even if for no other reason than to save some muscle energy. 

Jokes aside, there is another reason to practice kindness or “other-compassion.” You’ve probably heard of self-compassion, identified by Dr. Kristin Neff. It’s a skill and mindset comprised of three threads: 1) self-kindness vs. self-judgment; 2) common humanity vs. isolation; and, 3) mindfulness vs. over-identification. 

Self-compassion has been found to improve mental and physical well-being and reduced loneliness (Neff, 2003; Lee et al., 2021). More recently, though, research findings suggest the well-being benefits you receive from self-compassion depend on whether you also show compassion for others (Chio et a.l, 2024). That is, simply increasing self-compassion without showing compassion to others may not deliver the full benefits of self-compassion. 

How do we show compassion for others? How do you leave them better than you found them? Beyond a smile and pleasantries, practice empathy, practice patience, come with curiosity rather than judgment. Listen actively, hear what they are saying rather than simply waiting for your turn to speak. Look for what you have in common rather than the differences immediately evident. Apologize and take ownership for your mistakes. Celebrate someone else’s success. Lend a hand when you can. Sprinkle a little kindness around. 

As a final thought, I was once given the children’s book, Miss Rumphius, aka The Lupine Lady. In a nutshell the main character rides her bike through town sprinkling lupine seeds along the way. This gives rise to fields of the flowers, making the town more beautiful and bringing joy to her fellow citizens. She left the trail and her neighbors better than she found them. 

You can learn more about Self-Compassion from Dr. Kristin Neff’s website.

Dr. Rachel Boehm is a resident of West Falls Church. She’s lived in the area for over 15 years and runs a modern change management firm helping leaders and employers navigate business transitions and constant busyness with less tension for more successful outcomes. Dr. Rachel holds a PhD in psychology focused on individual and organizational behavior.